My first mass... the full version

St Michaels Cathedral, Toronto

So I started to post about my first Catholic mass experience on Facebook... only to realise it was going to be the worlds longest post. So I decided to do the full version here :)

Went to my first ever Catholic mass yesterday night. It was like I had a small, obnoxious child tag along inside my head:

Me:    Whoa, sweet architecture! And check out the stained glass wind-
Small Obnoxious Child (SOC): BAHAHAHAHA that dude's wearing a dress!!!!
Me:    Not a dress - official priest robes (obviously)
SOC: WHOA tall ceilings... I wonder if all that decorative stuff is wallpaper....TOTALLY IS I can see it coming off.....
ME:   *sigh* I'm pretty sure it's paint, look, it's just wearing off, that's why they're renovating-
SOC: ANOTHER DUDE IN A DRESS!!!!!! (maniacal giggling) Hey, isn't he supposed to have the little white collar bit??? WHERE'S THE LITTLE WHITE COLLAR BIT???
Me:    Gah! Shut-UP! Trying to appreciate the experience here! Yeesh!
SOC: AND THE KNEELY THINGS!! FOR YOU TO KNEEL ON!!!!!!!
Me:    Can you stop shouting???? You know these things! You googled "mass" before coming! It's an ancient liturgical form of worship that-
SOC: Bells! I hear bells! Oi, check out the people lighting candles-
Me:    Shutup, we're starting, quick, stand up - everyone else is... and they're saying stuff, don't know what...
SOC: Just move your lips so it looks like you know what you're doing ;)
Me:    Nope, too late - ah now we're all sitting down.
SOC: (giggling) LOL that priest dude bows A LOT!! And now he's doing prayer hands-
Me:    *sigh* hello? Ancient & ritualised? Siddown, and shaddap!
SOC: (full and complete attention to absolutely everything)
Me:    Trying to focus on God here - listen to the priest guy- ...wait, everyone's talking again...
SOC: THE CROSS!!! WE GET TO DO THE CROSSY THING ON YOUR CHEST!!!!!
Me:    (mumbles) so much for meaningful worship experience (death glare at SOC)

(priest reads a bible reading about Sarah and Abraham)

Me:    Wow, that dude has a very clear voice... enunciate much?
SOC: He's fully Chinese. Did not expect that. And he has a full North American accent...
Me:    Racist much????? Dude! Priests can come from anywhere!!!
SOC: He's fully young too - what, mid thirties? Wonder if he's married - NO WAIT aren't priests supposed to be celibate??? Bahaha-
Me:    Looked in the mirror lately?? What's so bad about celibacy?
SOC: Oh right. It's funny cos he's a guy. And a priest. And Catholics are stupid for not letting priests get married - hello, Peter the Apostle, and most of the other apostles were married!!!! Wonder why you get all those paedophile cases guys... (snort of derision)
Me:    Way to stereotype mate. Stop being so judgemental!
SOC: Seriously though (feeling superior)
Me:    (sarcastically) Yeah, cos married men NEVER abuse children... look, can we have this discussion later? Google said the focus of mass was meant to be on God. GOD. Focus!
(SOC goes back to enthusiastically admiring the cool ceilings and pillars and stuff)

(New priest reads bible reading about Matthew the tax collector)

Me:    Hmm. Dude has an accent. European something. German? Italian? Also enunciates lots.
SOC: Howcome this guy gets a green cape-y thing? It's way to muggy to be wearing that thing - thank God for air con...
Me:    Wait, now he's doing a sermon thing...
(struggles to focus for the duration without any smart alec comments...)

SOC: Wow. Shortest. Sermon. Ever! Wait I think we're standing again...
Me:    Hah! Saying the Lord's Prayer!
SOC: TOTALLY KNOW THIS BIT!!!!!
Me:    Hurry up, doing the crossy thing again!
SOC: OOOOOO I think we're doing the bit we're not allowed to do!! Yep, here comes the bread and wine thing...
Me:    NOT going up!
SOC: I know! No argument, sheesh! Hey cool cup, wonder if that's what the actual cup looked like... probably not...
Me:    (ignores, and focuses on serious remembrance moment)
SOC: WHOA, check out the cool little side cupboard!! Looks like gold!!! I wonder if it's really gold?
Me:    Of course not, people would steal it - downtown Toronto, hello?
SOC: Hey, remember all those stories about mass during WWII? How like 2 priest guys from Germany and England did mass together, and only found out later they were enemies? But didn't kill each other? I bet lots of church stuff got stolen/wrecked then...
Me:    FOCUS.
SOC: Hah! check it, the bread stuff looks like a bowl of chips!
Me:    SO NOT GOING UP - talk about unworthy attitude!
SOC: Yeah, well it's totally not really turning into Jesus actual body and blood. So yeah.
Me:    No argument, just stop being so obnoxious!!!
SOC: Dude, check it, almost everyone in here's a chick.... mostly Latin American looks like...
Me:    There's totally guys in here, look some over there, and there-
SOC: I said MOSTLY... wait - standing up...
Me:    We're supposed to say "peace" to each other.
SOC: (holds up two fingers to Drew sitting next to us, whispers "Peace" gansta style)
Me:    (shakes head while trying not to laugh) - sitting again...
SOC: WE'RE NOT SITTING! EVERYONE ELSE IS KNEELING!
Me:    I can't kneel now, everyone will notice! Just pretend you meant to sit down!
SOC: It's all Drew's fault - he said he'd done this before!!!
Me:    (feigns nonchalance) Stop freaking, everyone's sitting again, we'll catch it next time....
SOC: Crap it's the offering....
Me:    We already gave at 614, stop freaking - look, Drew's giving something so we don't look stingy
SOC: Hah, they ignored him!!! Sucked in Drew, you're not cool enough-
Me:    Wait they're coming back. I take it back, you are cool enough :)

SOC: Kneeling! They're kneeling again!
Me:    Wow. Is is just me, or am I really tall compared to everyone here?
SOC: Maybe they're sitting as well as kneeling?
Me:    UGH. Too late now. Self conscious much?
SOC: Really. Hopefully everyone else is being holy and focusing on God....
Me:    Aaaaand we're done!

Drew: Wow that was a really short mass! Half an hour. They didn't do any of the singing bits - you have to go to another one where they have singing
Me:    Totally!
SOC: Lucky - wikipedia said that half an hour was pretty much the shortest mass time allowed. Any less than that, and you're flirting with a mortal sin!
Drew: LOL
Me:    Can we stop for poutine on the way back?

(Disclaimer: events may have proceeded in a different order during the mass - I just remembered the obnoxious comments, not the order they came in!)